Death is an inevitable part of life, yet it remains one of the most challenging topics to discuss. In a recent episode of The Relational Psych Podcast, host Dr. Carly Claney and grief specialist Rachel Stapleton explored why we often avoid these conversations and how we can approach them more openly.
Key Takeaways:
• Grief is a normal, ongoing process without a set timeline
• There's no "right" way to grieve
• Chronic illness can involve a form of grief
• Preparing for end-of-life can be a gift to loved ones
• Professional help can be beneficial for those struggling with grief
Why We Avoid Talking About Death
Our society tends to celebrate youth and avoid discussions about aging and death. This cultural avoidance can leave those experiencing loss feeling isolated and unsupported.
"We really like to focus on anti-aging and youth and celebrate youth," Stapleton notes. "We're really good at celebrating [birth] and being excited, normalizing the excitement around one. And then we just sort of, as a society, kind of just avoid [death]."
Understanding Grief
Grief is a complex, circular process without a definitive endpoint. It's normal for feelings to resurface, even years after a loss. Stapleton describes grief as "this process that we see happen after a loss... but most people, I think, it's not a process that has a finish line."
Key points about grief:
1. It's cyclical, not linear
2. Feelings can resurface around holidays, birthdays, or other significant dates
3. There's no set timeline for grieving
Varied Grief Responses
It's crucial to understand that there's no "right" way to grieve. Some people may not miss a deceased loved one, while others might feel relief after a difficult caregiving period. These reactions are valid and should be acknowledged without judgment.
Chronic Illness and Grief
Those dealing with chronic illnesses often experience a form of grief related to the loss of their previous health status or life expectations. Dr. Claney, sharing her personal experience with breast cancer, highlighted the ongoing nature of grief in chronic health conditions.
"Having to sit yourself and this is my life now, these are my experiences. How do I open myself up to what I'm feeling about it?" Dr. Claney reflects.
Supporting Someone Who's Grieving
When supporting someone who is grieving:
• Be present and willing to listen
• Don't try to fix their pain
• Ask how you can help
• Validate their feelings
Preparing for End-of-Life
Making clear end-of-life wishes and arrangements can be a gift to loved ones. Stapleton emphasizes, "If I can take anything off of your plate... It's like in the middle of your grief, you're not having to figure out like, does Rachel want to be cremated or embalmed?"
Steps to prepare:
1. Reflect on your wishes
2. Have conversations with loved ones
3. Create legal documents (will, advance directive)
4. Consider pre-planning funeral arrangements
When to Seek Professional Help
While grief is a normal process, sometimes professional help may be needed. Signs that it might be time to seek help include:
• Persistent, intense yearning that doesn't lessen over time
• Inability to perform daily functions
• Thoughts of self-harm
"Complex grief can feel even as a clinician having training and experienced expertise in this can sometimes feel intense for me too," Stapleton admits.
The Bottom Line
Talking about death, dying, and grief is challenging but essential. By fostering open dialogues, seeking support when needed, and making practical preparations, we can navigate these aspects of life with greater ease and compassion.
Remember, it's okay to feel uncomfortable with these topics. The goal isn't to eliminate discomfort entirely, but to reach a point where it doesn't lead to complete avoidance. Start small, perhaps by reflecting on your own wishes or discomforts around these topics. Over time, these conversations can lead to more meaningful connections with ourselves and others, ultimately enriching our lives and relationships.
Common Questions About Death, Dying, and Grief
Is it normal to feel relief after someone dies?
Yes, feeling relief after someone's death, especially following a long illness or difficult relationship, is a normal and valid response. Grief can involve complex and sometimes conflicting emotions.
How long should grief last?
There's no set timeline for grief. It's a personal process that can last months, years, or even a lifetime. The intensity of grief often lessens over time, but feelings may resurface around significant dates or events.
What is complex grief?
Complex grief involves intense, persistent yearning that doesn't lessen over time. It may interfere with daily functioning and require professional intervention.
How can I support someone who is grieving?
Be present, listen without trying to fix their pain, ask how you can help, and validate their feelings. Avoid phrases like "they're in a better place" or "it's time to move on."
Is it okay to feel happy or laugh while grieving?
Absolutely. Experiencing moments of joy or laughter while grieving is normal and healthy. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your loss or stopped grieving.
What are some ways to prepare for end-of-life?
Consider creating a will, advance directive, and power of attorney. Discuss your wishes with loved ones, including preferences for medical care, funeral arrangements, and organ donation.
Can chronic illness cause grief?
Yes, chronic illness can lead to a form of grief related to the loss of health, independence, or future plans. This is sometimes called "anticipatory grief" or "chronic sorrow."
When should I seek professional help for grief?
Consider professional help if grief significantly interferes with daily functioning, if you're having thoughts of self-harm, or if you feel stuck in intense grief for an extended period.
How can I start a conversation about death with my family?
Start small. You might begin by sharing your own end-of-life wishes or asking about theirs. Use natural openings, like news stories or TV shows, to broach the topic.
Is it normal to feel uncomfortable talking about death?
Yes, many people feel uncomfortable discussing death. The goal isn't to eliminate discomfort entirely, but to reach a point where it doesn't prevent important conversations and preparations.
