The first stage of falling in love is called Limerence, a term Dorothy Tennov coined to describe the familiar feelings of being in the “honeymoon phase”[1]. At this beginning stage the relationship feels easy and good, and potential conflict or mismatches are overlooked. Limerence is usually characterized by strong infatuation, intense sexual attraction, and desire for reciprocation, and lasts for around 2 years[1]. But what happens when this phase runs its course? While, in the beginning, expressing to your partner what you like and appreciate about them may come naturally, it’s common to forget about doing so as time goes on. This brings us to explore the second level of the Sound Relationship House - Sharing Fondness and Admiration.
Understanding Fondness and Admiration
Gottman states that Fondness and Admiration are two of the most important components in a happy and sustainable relationship, and that a relationship can not last if they are completely absent or inaccessible[2]. Sharing fondness and admiration is essentially communicating with your partner what you love about them and why, conveying to them your affection and respect. This contributes to an overall positive view of your partner and relationship.
In a previous blog post, we go over Gottman’s Four Horsemen, one of which is contempt. Through his research, he found that contempt in a relationship is the highest predictor of divorce in the first years of marriage. He also states that the antidote to contempt is sharing fondness and admiration[2]. When you are more often in touch with what you like about your partner, it is harder to slip into feelings of disgust or disdain. The person receiving the appreciation will feel more seen and valued as well. Creating a habit of sharing fondness and admiration also focuses your attention more on what your partner is doing right rather than their mistakes or flaws.
Practical Ways to Express Fondness and Admiration
It may feel strange at first to express fondness and admiration to your partner without any structure, so here are some activities you can do together. With time, it may become more natural to express your appreciation regularly.
Gottman’s ‘I Appreciate’ Checklist
Read through the list of positive adjectives, and choose three that you feel describe your partner. For each adjective think of an actual incident where they embodied that quality. Take turns sharing with each other what you chose.
Here are some examples of the adjectives you can choose from. You can find the full list on page 68 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work[2]. Or, you can think of your own.
- Creative
- Thoughtful
- Playful
- Cheerful
- Resourceful
- Supportive
- Adventurous
- Organized
- Nurturing
- Understanding
- Dependable
- Funny
- Calm
- Protective
- Gentle
- Warm
Reflect on the good things
It pays off to think positive thoughts. Take some time with your partner and answer the prompts below. You can do these in one sitting or answer one a day.
- What is a memory from your relationship that makes your laugh?
- What is something that makes you proud of your partner?
- What is a physical attribute you find attractive about your partner?
- What makes you feel like a team?
- What is something only your partner knows about you and nobody else?
- What is a common goal both of you share?
- What is a common value both of you have?
- What is a time you felt supported by your partner?
- What is something you find interesting about your partner?
Tips and Tricks
Be specific
When sharing what you love about your partner try elaborating on what exactly it is about them or the specific thing they do that you appreciate. Make the statement unique to your partner.
Add emotion
After naming what you appreciate or are grateful for, try thinking about why you are appreciative of this particular thing. How does it make you feel? What needs or desires does it satisfy? Doing so can make a generic compliment/statement more meaningful.
Conclusion
Sharing fondness and admiration might sound simple, and it can be, but it also requires intentionality. It requires you to think uniquely about who your partner is and what they do that makes them special to you. Expressing this may take some work, but it’s worth it for both partners to feel genuinely loved and appreciated.
Common Questions About Fondness and Admiration
What is fondness and admiration, and why are they important in a relationship?
Fondness and admiration are two essential components of a happy and sustainable relationship, as stated by John Gottman. They involve expressing appreciation and respect for your partner, focusing on their positive qualities and actions. Regularly sharing fondness and admiration helps maintain a positive view of your partner and relationship, counteracting negative feelings like contempt.
How can I express fondness and admiration in my relationship?
You can express fondness and admiration in your relationship by using Gottman's 'I Appreciate' Checklist, which involves choosing positive adjectives that describe your partner and sharing specific examples of when they embodied those qualities. Another way is to reflect on the good things in your relationship by answering prompts about shared memories, goals, values, and moments of support.
What are some tips for effectively expressing appreciation to my partner?
To effectively express appreciation to your partner, be specific about what you appreciate and why. Personalize your compliments by elaborating on the unique qualities or actions you admire. Additionally, add emotion to your expressions of gratitude by sharing how your partner's actions make you feel and what needs or desires they satisfy.
Sources
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
