7 Essential Steps to a Healthier Relationship: Insights from the Sound Relationship House

One foundational concept in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy is the Sound Relationship House Theory, which likens a secure relationship to the framework of a house. The two walls that hold up the foundation of the house are Trust and Commitment, and within these support pillars, a relationship is able to grow and thrive. There are seven key components, or levels, that make this house stable, with each level building on the next.

Level 1: Build Love Maps

The ground level starts with building love maps, which is another way of saying getting to know each other at a deeper level. A Love Map is essentially a road map of your partner’s inner world of thoughts and feelings, and it is created by asking the right questions ^[1]. Questions such as: What is one of your partner’s greatest fears? What is one way they like to be soothed? What was their childhood like? The Gottmans found that couples with more detailed love maps are better able to deal with stress or conflict when they arise ^[2]. 

Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

The second level of sharing fondness and admiration simply involves communicating what you appreciate and admire about your partner, to your partner. This can look like: I appreciate when you ______ or I am proud of the way you ______. Rather than spending too much time on what your partner is doing “wrong,” this level suggests shifting your mindset to focus on what is going right. Sharing fondness and admiration is not only a way to prevent contempt from creeping into the relationship, but also increases levels of affection and respect ^[3].

Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away

When the Gottmans say “turn towards” in this level of the Sound Relationship House, they are referring to turning towards “bids”, or gestures one partner makes for attention or emotional connection. An example of a bid could be asking your partner how their day was when coming home. Turning towards could look like “It was so stressful! On the way to work I…” Turning away, on the other hand, could look like a muffled grunt, plopping down on the sofa, and turning on the TV. Turning towards each other creates a sense of intimacy and connection, whereas turning away actually causes the majority of fights in relationships ^[4]. 

Level 4: The Positive Perspective

The three prior levels all contribute to creating level four: the Positive Perspective, or a generally positive view of each other and the relationship. It is seeing your partner as a friend or teammate rather than an adversary. When the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House are unstable, people may fall into Negative Sentiment Override, where a partner’s neutral or positive statements are taken as negative ^[5]. 

Level 5: Manage Conflict

This level of the house, managing conflict, is what most couples tend to focus on in their relationship, but it is important to remember it consists of only 1 out of 7 levels! The Gottmans split conflicts into two types: resolvable problems and unresolvable/perpetual problems. For each type the Gottman Method offers a variety of interventions and exercises that could help partners manage conflict with more empathy and understanding, with an emphasis on dialoguing through problems. But again, the key to managing conflict begins with having a steady foundation through all previous levels of the house. 

Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

Making life dreams come true involves not only supporting one another’s dreams and aspirations, but also being part of making them happen. The first step is knowing what your own personal goals are—what you want to achieve, what you want to experience, who you want to be. After getting to know your partner’s dreams as well, discussions can follow: What are you both aligned on? Is there a timeline? How can each partner contribute to the other’s goals?  

Level 7: Create Shared Meaning

The final level of the house, creating shared meaning, is about establishing shared values, rituals, and purpose within the relationship. One way to do this is sharing one’s innermost thoughts with each other. Another way is to build rituals of connections, such as deciding on how things like birthdays, family dinner-time, or holidays look like in the partnership. Creating shared meaning allows for deeper bonds and a richer, more rewarding relationship ^[6].

The Bottom Line

The Sound Relationship House Theory serves as a guide for couples to build and maintain healthy relationships by deepening intimacy and working through challenges constructively. The levels don’t have to be perfect to move on to the next, but it is important to keep in mind they have influence over each other. For example, the first three levels foster friendship in a relationship, and without a strong foundation of friendship, it can be really difficult to manage conflict effectively or create shared meaning. In future blog posts we will go more in depth into the different levels, exploring specific ways in which couples can implement these concepts into their relationships. 

Common Question About the Sound Relationship House Theory

What is the Sound Relationship House Theory?

The Sound Relationship House Theory is a concept from Gottman Method Couples Therapy that likens a secure, healthy relationship to the structure of a house. It emphasizes that a relationship needs a solid foundation of trust and commitment to grow and thrive, comprising seven key levels or components that build upon each other to maintain and enhance relationship health.

What are the two foundational walls of the Sound Relationship House?

The two foundational walls of the Sound Relationship House are Trust and Commitment. These pillars support the entire structure, symbolizing the essential elements needed for a relationship to be stable and secure.

What does each level of the Sound Relationship House involves?

• Level 1: Build Love Maps - Getting to know each other deeply.
• Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration - Expressing appreciation and admiration for each other.
• Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away - Responding positively to each other's bids for attention and connection.
• Level 4: The Positive Perspective - Maintaining a generally positive view of each other and the relationship.
• Level 5: Manage Conflict - Handling conflicts with empathy and understanding.
• Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True - Supporting and being involved in each other's dreams and aspirations.
• Level 7: Create Shared Meaning - Establishing shared values, rituals, and purposes within the relationship.

How important is it to complete one level before moving on to the next?

While it's beneficial to have a strong foundation in each level before moving to the next, the levels don't have to be perfect to progress. The key is to be mindful of how each level influences the others, recognizing that strengths in one area can support growth in another.

Can you manage conflict effectively without the first three levels being solid?

It might be challenging. The first three levels (Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away) lay the groundwork for friendship and intimacy in the relationship, which are crucial for managing conflict effectively. Without a strong foundation in these areas, navigating conflicts can become more difficult.

How can the Sound Relationship House Theory help improve a relationship?

This theory provides a structured framework for couples to understand the key components of a healthy relationship. By focusing on each level, couples can work on strengthening their relationship foundation, deepen intimacy, improve communication, and collaboratively tackle challenges, leading to a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.

Where can I find more information on implementing these concepts in my relationship?

For more detailed guidance on applying the Sound Relationship House Theory, consider exploring resources available on the Gottman Institute's website, seeking out Gottman-trained therapists, or reading books by John and Julie Gottman, who developed this model. Future blog posts will also delve deeper into each level, providing practical tips and exercises for couples.

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Sources

1. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/
2. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/
3. https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/
4. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/
5. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-the-positive-perspective/
6. https://www.gottman.com/blog/create-shared-meaning-examining-rituals/